Trust

This past week Hannah was very ill with a high fever and no other symptoms. We feared again that she had a kidney infection like she did earlier this year. Unfortunately, the doctors we usually go to were in the U.S. this month and this made finding out what was wrong with her even more difficult. But God provided as he always does, as another doctor friend of ours made a house call to check on her and helped us interface with a lab so we could get her tested. Her test came back negative and it seems that maybe she just has a virus or something. As I write this her fever is almost normal and we think she is recovering well.

No one likes it when their very young child is sick, but in a foreign country with a lack of acceptable medical care it makes it even tougher on a crazy, cautious Mom like myself. I felt "out of control" this week as I was worried about Hannah. I think some of it also had to do with that another American had just airlifted their toddler to Austria for medical care and I was imagining the same thing happening to Hannah.

But upon further reflection and while I was praying for her, I started to ask myself the question. "Do I trust God in this situation?" Do I trust him with my child's life, with the possibility that everything won't turn out ok? If Hannah was sick and we were in the U.S. I would say, "of course I trust God" but really meaning I trust God and then the terrific doctors and medical facilities as God's back up. In reality, in both situations-here and in the U.S. God is ultimately in control of what happens to my children. Just in the U.S., I think I have more control than I really do.

I believe one of the reasons God has called me to this life living in a place where I often feel out of control is that he wants me to have complete dependence and trust in him. He is constantly using situations and circumstances to mold me into the woman of God he wants me to be. Here in Bucharest, I am stripped of all my natural comforts of "home" and have no choice but to rely on God. Although this is not a "fun" process, I am thankful that God continues to pursue me in this way and not just let me live in dependence on "self"

I currently am reading a book called "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. He writes, "Ruthless Trust ultimately comes down to this: faith in the person of Jesus and hope in his promise. In spite of all disconcerting appearances, we stare down death without nervousness....ruthless trust is an unerring sense, way deep down, that beneath the surface agitation, boredom, and insecurity of life, it's gonna be all right. Ill winds may blow, more character defects may surface, sickness may visit, and friends will surely die; but a stubborn irrefutable certainty persists that God is with us and loves us in our struggle to be faithful."

Pray for me that I continue to trust God in every circumstance.